What is Love? ... and how can we enjoy more of It?
Love.
It's the best, most wondrous thing we ever experience in life.
At the same time, it seems like "love" also causes the worst, most excruciating pain we experience in life.
How is that possible?
What if the "love" that causes us life-disrupting pain (when nobody's died) ... isn't actually "love"?
What if we really have no idea what we usually mean when we say we "love" someone?
Seems like we need to take a closer look at this question, "what is love?"
* * * * * * *
I notice when I've said "I love you," for a lot of my life what I REALLY meant (totally without realizing it) was one of these:
- What you're doing or saying in this moment feels really good to me. (=Not actually love, but instead a pleasurable FEELING like gratitude or appreciation, that arises because my life-needs are being nourished in the moment)
- When you're unhappy or hurting, or when I tell myself threatening stories about any struggles you're having, I feel intolerable pain in my own body, so I have to do something to help you feel better, so I can feel better. (=Not actually love, but a STRATEGY I use to reduce unpleasant FEELINGS for me)
- I love my fantasy of the person I've always wanted you (my partner/friend/child/etc.) to be, that I'm projecting onto you. I don't really see or love YOU. I subtly pressure, punish, or reward you to influence you to behave the way I want you to. I ignore, discount, or reimagine what you say and do that reflects who you truly are that doesn't line up with who I want you to be. I need you to follow my script for your role in my life, even if it's not authentic for you. (=Not actually love, but a DELUSION I cultivate to create a pleasurable FEELING for me)
- I do things for you and seek your approval so that you'll love me, which will prove that I'm worthy and good enough. Making mistakes threatens my worthiness. I haven't yet that I'm inherently worth and good enough; I don't yet value or matter to myself. (=Not actually love, but instead a STRATEGY I use to meet my life-needs for belonging, mattering, and being valued)
- I have to do the things that make you feel good -- whether they work for me or not, because love is about sacrifice for the sake of others or the relationship. (=Not actually love, but instead a DEMAND I make of myself to do what creates pleasurable FEELINGS for you, with no regard to how that impacts me)
- You have to do the things that make me feel good -- whether they work for you or not, because love is about sacrifice for the sake of others or the relationship. (=Not actually love, but a DEMAND I make of you to do what creates pleasurable FEELINGS for me, with no regard to how that impacts you)
- It makes me feel so good, that you consistently do things that embody, enact, and align with my most important values. When you do this, the world seems like a safe, predictable, welcoming, nourishing place, to me. (=Not actually love, but a pleasurable FEELING like gratitude, calm, or security, that arises in me, when your choices and actions CONSISTENTLY genuinely, directly nourish my life-needs)
How many of these sound familiar to you?
I notice that most of the time when someone says "I love you," they're really meaning one of these things.
But, not one of these is love.
They're dependence: using or trying to influence someone's else's behavior as a hidden, unconscious strategy to try to meet our own depleted life-needs.
- Dependence (a.k.a. unhealthy boundaries) is when:Others' words or actions deplete our life-needs, which has a direct, unpleasant impact on our nervous system that we're unable to tolerate or regulate within ourselves. As a result,
- We try to influence (manipulate) the other person's behavior so that we can feel better inside ourselves.
This is what's going on in the above scenarios (and many others I didn't illustrate here).
So, it's not LOVE that causes so much pain. It's dependence and the unhealthy boundaries -- the LACK of SELF-LOVE -- that causes it.
In one of my next posts I'll explore this in more depth, but for now, let's take another look at what is GENUINE love, that doesn't cause or turn into pain?
* * * * * * *
Here's my definition of love:
- I care deeply about your well-being and I feel inspired to personally take actions to contribute to your thriving. I pay attention and learn what specific things nourish your life-needs (and therefore increase your thriving), and I focus my efforts on the ones I enjoy or am genuinely willing to do (because my own well-being matters, too). I also make a mindful effort to be aware of, and to take the initiative to address or repair, any thing I do that depletes your life-needs and diminishes your thriving. (=Genuine love, as a VERB demonstrating my LIVED COMMITMENT to taking ACTIONS that genuinely nourish your life-needs)
When, by this definition, we each genuinely love ourselves AND genuinely love each other ... our relationship becomes a unfolding dance of synergistic, expanding discovery, nourishment, and adjustment (responsiveness).
* * * * * * *
If we want to enjoy more love in our lives, we can begin first by loving ourselves -- valuing and nurturing our own life-needs and thriving -- and then continue on to nurture the life-needs of others we feel inspired to uplift.
Because real love nourishes and uplifts everyone it touches -- both the giver and the receiver.
To the point where it becomes impossible to tell which is which.
* * * * * * *
I hope this illuminates the love that's already in your life, and empowers you to notice and use more accurate words to name what you're feeling or doing, when it's something other than real love.
Need some support to learn how to better value and love yourself? Ready to build your healthy boundaries skills? Stay tuned!
And if you don't want to wait, click here to schedule a by-donation (= totally affordable) Exploration Session. Together we'll honor your truth, and get you on the path to nourish your life-needs and restore your thriving and happiness.
Because ... it's your birthright to thrive.
And I'm here to help you get there.
With warm care for you,
P.S. Want a copy of the 10 Essential Human Life-Needs that give you the Power to THRIVE? Click here.
www.facebook.com/realvikamiller
www.instagram.com/realvikamiller
TO COMMENT, CLICK HERE. (Alas, the comment box below is broken, will be fixed soon!)